Nate Beaty's Brainfag

BREAKING THE THEME

posted in Home Jabber on January 30, 2004

Lately I've been falling asleep to the classical station, but tonight at 2:30am it dawned on me that classical music really irritates me. I turned it off and relished in the quiet of my neighborhood, the runoff of the gutter, the barely-audible, sea-like white noise of far away traffic, and distant sirens. I realize that I am definitely one with my nation in endlessly surrounding myself with stimulus -- I mean, here I am at 5:26am w/ headphones on (Outkast's Aquemini) staring at my laptop while laying in bed. Couldn't sleep. I'm still irritated from the classical music.

Yesterday (goddamn my schedule is screwy) at 6:30am I was doing this very thing, computing on into the dawn. I realized it was garbage day so I talked myself into dressing and stepping out into the warm & wet morning to move my receptacle closer to the road. It was so serenely quiet and inviting, I decided to head out on a walk, bringing along my camera in hopes of catching the sunrise.

Two blocks from my house, I saw an unidentifiable creature scurry up a driveway. It looked like a cross between a rat, cat, raccoon and possum. Too big for a rat, too round and wrong movements for a cat, no raccoon markings, yet too tall for a possum. I discovered a Craccossum in my nocturnal wanderings.

I can walk absolutely silent. I snuck up on a cat and scared the living shit out him. He gave me a look of disgust and ran away.

A group of people walked by and I immediately got nervous and afraid. What the hell? I realized how thin my city skin is and wondered if this would ever change. Having grown up in the woods between a mill town and an indian reservation, I think I'm cursed to an inheritantly bumpkin brain, however much I try to convince myself otherwise.

The colors in Portland are so gray and brown right now. Everything's rich with winter decay: dark green mold, dead grass, spindly trees, endless wet cement. The mist and fog wrap everything in a comforting claustrophobia.

Two days ago I had a few hours where everything felt so right, and I felt like I was finally in the right place, moving properly. Then I let myself get so hungry that this spell of euphoria was shattered and I set out to find something to fill my stomach.