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Keanu Reeve's minimal acting ability explained

posted in Movies and TV on June 09, 2006

After reading the Johnny Mnemonic short story in William Gibson's Burning Chrome anthology, I thought it would be entertaining to download the movie to see what they did with the tiny (but good!) 20pg story. Hoo boy, what a gem. Keanu only has 160 gigabytes of storage in his empty head, but they stuff 320 gigabytes into it! Maybe that's what happened to him after all! All scraps of acting skills were shoved out for some techno-gaga-3D graphics meant to represent the vast "internet" which connects us all in the near future.

My favorite line is when Keanu gets all worked up about the question "what do you think about, when you're alone?" and screams: "I THINK I WANT TO GET OUT OF THIS RATHOLE! I NEED TO GET ONLINE! I NEED A COMPUTER!!"


Curious to read other bothered moviegoers reactions on the web, I found a hilarious christian website review which cries out:

Johnny Mnemonic is a dark movie and is the most disturbing film I have ever seen. Avoid it at all costs, and walk out if friends rent it out from the video store.

Indeed! This reviewer hasn't been out much, apparently. However, they got one thing wrong on their review: Johnny Mnemonic did have a climax. It was when Keanu had his childish breakdown in the middle of the lo-tek junkyard, backlit by the perpetual madmax oil fires, ranting about how he should be in the city and not here with the dogs and "the fuckin' last months newspapers blowing BACK and FORTH!", and finally screams out:


I got to thinking about it, and Keanu really doesn't hold up in this day and age. I decided to pit him against my LaCie external hard drive.

Lacie vs. Keanu

Capacity: 250gb 160gb (orig. 80gb doubled)
Interface: firewire dolphin in a tank
Transfer Rate: 400mbit/s nil without three elusive picture scraps
Heads: 8 1
Depth: 5.1in minimal
Power Supply: AC adapter Canadian loins

11 comments on this entry

HAHAHA! nice.

but still, yeah... look at those pictures and just tell me which one is *sexier*. rrrrrrrow!

jon 6/13/06

Yeesh, my vote on the LaCie. I mean: PORSCHE designed it! oo-lala!

Nate 6/14/06

you'll be pleased to know that J. Mnemonic was Robert Longos last film. apparently there is justice in the world, if only sporadically.

dwight 6/16/06

I noticed that. Good thing, too, jesus. Oh, and be happy, you're now my NUMBER ONE MYSPACE BUDDY! Ha!

Nate 6/16/06

uh-huh, uh-huh, thats right, im da numba one, yeah baby, im da numba one, uh-huh, uh-huh....

da numba one dwight 6/16/06

Johnny Mnemonic reads like a prequel to the MATRIX if you are drunk enough. Would you let Keanu star in the Matrix films, a series of stylish urban sci-fi action films that rule, having seen him in this - a stylish urban sci-fi action film that BLOWS?

Japanese filmmaking legend Beat Takeshi Kitano is in this, but he doesn't know what's going on and appears on a video screen spouting stilted lines in American.

The guy with the laser thing that slices people's necks is kind of cool though.

Jason 6/30/06


I just checked out that Christian review. 'This is the most disturbing film I have ever seen'. Yeah, about as disturbing as 'Microwave Massacre' with Jackie Vernon.

I suggest Cannibal Holocaust, Island of Death and Guinea Pig just to warm up this god-fearing gentleman, before we introduce him to the REAL disturbing material.

But hey.. he is doing good work. Getting people to leave JM alone. The only problem is that it makes it sound a LOT cooler than it actually is.

Suggested re-edit:

'The main enemy in this film is some sort of manatee or dolphin or something, I can't remember. Keanu Reeves downloads some stuff into his head on bit-torrent. Um, this is the lamest movie I have ever seen. Go outside".

Nobby 6/30/06

Um, it's been a month, don't you think you should update this? I mean seriously. TIRED. I love Keanu as much as the next 14-year-old-girl in 1992, but...

So are you coming to the sketch'n kvetch at Stumptown on Tuesday?

Sarah 7/9/06

Keanu, you make me mad. I have a particular feelings for you that make me want to see you all day. you were wonderful in the movie 'SPEED'. could you be my friend. Am a Nigerian

Splendour Iwu 9/5/06

every keanu movie has a temper tantrum scene that includes much rippage /throwage/swearing. and stomping. look for it the next time you watch a keanu movie. but he's so damn good looking that who cares. yeah i know you didn't ask me for my opinion, but there it is folks.

wils 1/9/07

hey, yanno, the girl up there that said something about updating is right. i think i posted my previous comment in 05, or was it 06. yes yes i need a life.

even with bad acting, keanu is easy on the eyes. so who cares if he stomps his way through nearly every film.


wils 4/19/07

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