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TRANSFORMERS '86: official kvetch #1

posted in Movies and TV on December 24, 2006

I just got the strange urge to download the TRANSFORMERS MOVIE (the OLD one, that is, from 1986), which I'm not sure how I missed, but shit-o-dear, I'm glad I missed it. What the hell IS that thing? The absolute worst of '80s music meets the somewhat-cool-robot cartoon = (wait! .. just looked this up in IMDB, to get some perspective on public opinion on this tragedy, and saw "Some memorable quotes and decent soundtrack" and "Well worth a watch" -- both of which make me simultaneously nauseous and SHOCKED) equals, well, TRADEGY. All I can say is, coke and pot seemed to have utterly destroyed any remnant of good taste among a good portion of the media producers of the '80s. Because, this movie was AWFUL. Granted, it was gut-bustingly awful, but still: awful.

transformers -- robots in disguiseI was a total Transformers junkie, and Ezra sent me a link to the latest trailer for the upcoming (cough, hack, gag, vomit, etc) MICHAEL BAY adaptation of Transformers, coming out next year -- so I decided to download and make my way through the twenty-year-old animated gem that graces the most fantastically offensive soundtrack (described as "decent" in the above-quoted IMDB review). Granted, it is dark and randomly indecipherable and peppered with foul language -- but it's so goddamn bad I found myself grinding random pieces of wood with my oft-unused Dremel while it played on my TiBook and doing laundry and drinking more than usual in a weekend night. Jesus, what a piece of crap. I kept thinking "people spent umpteen hours of their life animating this garbage." That's not a good sign. Especially for a totally devoted fan (at least at an earlier age.)

I can't help but think that the upcoming movie will be bad, not only because it's associated with that piece-of-human-garbage Michael Bay (The Island, anyone?), but because from the previews, they're obviously taking it WAY TOO SERIOUSLY. I mean, c'mon people, this is a MOVIE ABOUT ROBOTS THAT TURN INTO CARS AND BOOMBOXES, and was developed in the '80s for teenage boys.

Then again, I was so moved by the original series that I was caught shoplifting crappy imitation Transformers from Payless in my hometown of Newport at age 13. That says something.

Prodigal Geektastic 4.0 GPA Son Caught Pocketing Go-Bots Rip-Off.

Perhaps that was the beginning of the end so they say. Perhaps I *did* see the original movie and was so affected that I blocked it from my memory, and was inspired to go out and get caught stealing a rip-off of a rip-off to kickstart my pseudo-criminal future. (My mom, working for the Sheriff's dept. at the time, was thoroughly embarrassed by the whole episode.) Not that I do anything criminal at the moment except blog protests against the monkey president.

ANYWAY, back to the terrible animated '80s-rock-movie: I'm assuming it's of no use to warn anyone away, because: who would rent it? No one. I know my 13-person readership. No one.

Back to your xmas frivolities! Retreat! Oh, and god bless.

5 comments on this entry

Our family was too poor to get me transformers for xmas... I got go-bots instead.

But I liked legos better anyway. More ROI for a kid.

Joseph 12/25/06

note i had to steal my robots! ha! actually, i was into legos also, especially the Technics type. but weren't those more expensive than the Transformers? Legos are spendy...

nate 12/25/06

man, i loved that movie. i still remember the day my best friend & i were dumped off by parents at the theatre... and when yr 11 yrs of age, shit, that soundtrack was like god's awesome hiccups. im even into the new movie tho mike bay will be the first against the wall when the revolution comes. pearl harbor was literally one of the worst movies i have ever seen... my neo-cortex still cringes when i think about it.

jeremy 12/30/06

I have actually seen this film twice in recent years, as an adult - once at a RISD film fest, with booze, and once at the Clinton, with more booze. Booze does not make this a good movie. I'm galled that I've actually seen this more times than some of my favorite films. Avoid! Avoid!

Sarah 12/31/06

The original Transformers movie is awesome EXCEPT for the part where Starscream kills tons of Autobots. That part was sad.

Michael 3/16/07

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